Things to Do on Valentine’s Day That Don’t Include Killing Yourself

Straight up the only Valentine's Day card I will ever accept with delight.

Oh, Valentine’s day. I love you, I hate you, I mostly hate you. What is it about you that ignites both such a rabid raid of various chocolate aisles at the supermarket and outright collective hatred all at the same time? Is it the lovers frolicking around o Rittenhouse Square even though it is fully below zero temperature outside? Is it the constant pokes we get in the back from the long-stemmed rose that the girl standing behind us on the subway is swinging around in a lovesick ecstasy? Perhaps it’s the fact that nobody knows who St. Valentine is and why he is so qualified to create his own holiday to begin with.

Let’s just come right out and say that I am not the most romantic person. I refused to accompany my friends to see “Dear John” at the cinema because the last time I saw a Nicholas Sparks movie  I kept throwing popcorn indignantly at the screen without realizing it. I cannot watch a single episode of “The Bachelor” without either bursting out in laughter or violently insulting all of the contestants. I didn’t even cry during “Titanic”. It’s that bad.

However, I know do I am not the only Valentine’s Day hater out there. This I have learned from having a Tumblr account and a steady exposure to Woody Allen movies. So, without further ado, here are my five pics for things to do if you want to embark outside on Februray 14thwithout wanting to burn down the entire city.  Hopeless cynics, this one’s for you.

1) Go on a Valentine’s Day ghost tour

The people over at Ghost Tours of Philadelphia are offering a special Valentine’s Day 75 minute walking tour of Society Hill that includes a tour of the historic Powel House, narrated by haunting love stories and the ghosts they leave behind. See? Love does kill!

2) Avoid Max Brenner’s at All Cost
I can pretty much guarantee you that there will be enough couples taking a “romantic” chocolate tasting date to make you wish the Spanish had never discovered the cocoa bean (even the notion!). Unless your plans include flipping over a table in exhasperation at a public place, don’t even think about it.

3) Treat Yo’ Self 2012

George Bernard Shaw once said, “There is no sincerer love than the love of food”. By that logic, Valentine’s Day should revolve entirely around eating as much as possible, so do yourself a favor and take yourself out on a date. The trick is to avoid anywhere even remotely fancy, as you will undoubtedly trip over the army of red and pink balloons that are sure to be decorating most restaurants. Some ideas: burgers and shakes at 500 Degrees, quesadillas at El Fuego, and pizza from Slice.

4) Catch a showing of “The Iron Lady” at the Ritz 5

Possibly the least sexy film in all of history, this movie will make you either want to marry Meryl Streep for her acting ability, or rethink your decision to study abroad in London.  Also, you can get artsy popcorn with hipster drinks like Jones sodas at the concession stand. And, as a plus, you can basically guarantee there will be no couples in the audience.

5) Head over to the PMA for the Van Gogh exhibit

There is no better example of how crazy love makes us than Vincent Van Gogh- the guy cut off his own ear for a girl he had a crush on.  We can’t say we’re big fans of being sent body parts on envelopes for Valentine’s Day , but it was certainly creative. Honor his holey artistry by paying a visit to the world-famous sunflower oils currently on display for a limited time at the special galleries of the Philadelphia Museum of Art.

And a bonus!

6) Rent a copy of Twilight and remind yourself that love sucks anyway.

Pun intended

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