That’s it. I’m staging an intervention. I think this has gone too far. When you see something outrageous, you’ve got to speak out. Think of the children! Think of the example you’re setting for future generations! What would Sartre say? How do you go to sleep at night?!?!?!
I’m talking, of course, about the Barnes Foundation’s ticketing system.
For those of you hoodlums who were raised in barns and don’t know what the Barnes Foundation is, it’s a combination arboretum and museum collection established 1922 by Dr. Albert C. Barnes as an educational institution in Merion, Pennsylvania. Recently, though, it’s made a permanent move to the Benjamin Franklin Parkway, on account of the rent expenses and the fact that nobody actually knows where Merion, Pennsylvania is.Unfortunately, between it being the hot new museum on the block and the fact that the Barnes’ small and intimate rooms require them to limit the number of people allowed in at one time, getting a ticket inside is… problematic. To say the least. Putting it mildly,. getting into the Barnes is like trying to get into the Illuminati. Like being on the waiting list of a Mulberry Alexa bag. Or getting Sufjan Stevens tickets. Quite frankly, it’s kind of unacceptable.
Whether you’ve got a thing for pipe-smoking horticulturists or don’t really get the hype, you’ve got to agree that as of now, the Barnes Foundation is the most exclusive museum in Philadelphia. It’s basically like Harvard’s finals clubs. Oh, sorry, I meant Final Clubs.
Which obviously just makes us want to visit it more. So without further ado, here’s my 3-step plan to finally, FINALLY getting in- and what to do once you’re inside:.
1. Book your ticketsin advance. Like, waaaay in advance. Trust me, after attempting to get tickets at the door only to be sweetly yet strangely creepily ordered to schedule a visit online twice, the importance of looking stuff up BEFORE going somewhere really sinks in. Plus, the BF Parkway is HUGE. Your feet will not thank you for the fruitless trek back and forth. Your wallet will thank you, too- tickets for the Barnes through the PEX Pass are only $10!
2. If you’re looking to make a trip out of it, come by The Barnes on First Friday! On December 7th from 6pm to 8pm, the Black Pearl Chamber Orchestra is performing something called “Classical Grey”, which apparently features classical music featured in E.L. James’ 50 Shades of Grey. I’m not exactly sure why this EXISTS, but when the event description says “experience a provocative performance of classical music featured in the popular novels”, you know it’ll certainly be an… unforgettable night.
3. Watch this really cool PBS documentary about Dr. Barnes’ life beforehand, so you can sound educated and cultured when you’re walking through the halls with your date. “Oh, is that a Matisse?” “Actually, it’s a Rodin. Dr. Barnes found Matisse’s under $50,000 auction pricing to be plebeian and offensive. Duh.”
Follow these guidelines, and you’ll be set to go! Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t get into the Barnes now! FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In other news, my life is pathetic.