This is probably not very queenly of me, but I have a confession to make to you peasants.
I am the biggest wuss in the history of the planet. I know it’s pretty unexpected, coming from someone who eats like a baby dinosaur, but it’s true. I get scared of everything. I refuse to even think about watching American Horror Story, even though Evan Peter’s face has often managed to almost convince me to give it a go. Horror movie plots recreate themselves in my head every time I walk a block in the dark (and I live in a SUBURB). To this day I cannot look at a stink bug without bursting into tears.
So it’s understandable, in a way, that I’ve lived in Philly for 10 years and not once have I dared to go explore Eastern State Penitentiary‘s Terror Behind The Walls. I mean, just think about it: scary prison that looks like the setting for an Edgar Allan Poe mystery + a seasonal holiday where it’s perfectly acceptable to wave murder weapons at people’s faces = the perfect haunted house. Eastern State Penitentiary spends months and thousands of dollars getting ready for the annual spectacle, which sets you loose on an 11-acre abandoned prison to explore all its nooks and cranies… which may house violent spirits and crawly things. In spite of this, TBTW has been lauded as the greatest holiday season entertainment since the presidential debates for years.
In the past, I’ve just kept my Halloween scares to re-watching Hocus Pocus for the 30th time (hey, it’s scarier than it sounds, Sarah Jessica Parker stars in it). But this year is going to be different. This year, peasants, I will get over myself and be a grown up. I will attend Terror Behind The Walls and disregard the fact that Eastern State was totally featured in, like, twenty ghost-hunter TV shows and everyone thinks it’s haunted by the ghost of Al Capone.
Good news though! The PEX pass lets you get an early recognition of cardiac arrest for for 50% off! So even if you die of fright, you can (literally) rest assured knowing that you’ll have some money left over to help your family pay for your funeral.